Trauma Recovery and Healthy Boundaries

Could you raise a well-adapted child without any boundaries? Would this child automatically know appropriate, safe, healthy, life enhancing behaviours and ways of relating to self and other? Absolutely not, children need boundaries to define their sense of self and they also need boundaries to define how they engage effectively with the world around them. 

So, if boundaries are so important to raising children, why do we, as adults, struggle with having and asserting healthy boundaries for ourself and in our interpersonal relationships? 

Do we somehow lose their value and meaning? Or are we taught to forgo them for the sake of pleasing and appeasing another? 

One thing I do know is that people who have been affected by trauma, be it of any kind, struggle with boundaries, both personal and interpersonal.

 

Boundaries give us protection, safety, security and help us construct a reality in accordance with our values and beliefs. They help drive meaningful and mutually respectful relationships. They point to our self-esteem, self-love, self-worth and self-respect.

Those of us who have been subjected to trauma tend to lose our sense of personal boundaries or have trouble asserting them.  When we have suffered from a boundary violation (or many), decisions based on what is best for us seem to be inhibited and our sense of self is eclipsed and overshadowed by something or someone else under the guise of maintaining safety. But it doesn’t keep us safe. It doesn’t meet our truest needs and can keep us cycling in unpleasant or even toxic relationship dynamics. 

Boundary crossing and boundary violations take away our ability to keep ourselves safe, respected and cared for to the level and degree in which we require. When our boundaries have been violated and broken due to dysfunctional relating we can experience confusion over our needs, have immense difficulty in asserting ourselves and tend to tolerate behaviour that is harmful, toxic, manipulative or even downright inappropriate. 

When we have been taught to lose our self of self for the sake of another, we experience a loss within our own centre, as well as a loss of control and a loss of personal power.

A vital and important step in trauma recovery is reclaiming and establishing healthy boundaries for ourselves. Boundaries give us a proper understanding of self, who we are, what we stand for, what we don’t, what we will tolerate and what we won’t, they help define our personal values, morals and integrity. They give us self-awareness and a strong sense of self. It is important to know what boundaries are important to us individually, how to honour them, how to set them, what we say yes to, what we say no to and how we respond to situations when our boundaries have been violated. 

Having and setting healthy boundaries are essential to physical, emotional, mental and spiritual growth and maturity. They are essential for self-love and self-care.

We don’t have to tolerate poor and toxic behaviour. It is ok to avoid harsh environments and relationships. It is ok to have healthy discernment and assertion. It is ok to speak up for yourself and become an advocate how you would like to be treated. It is ok to say Yes when you mean it and No when you don’t. It is ok for you to know your physical, mental, emotional, sexual, spiritual, energetic and psychic boundaries. It is ok for you to have needs and to ask that those needs are honoured and respected. It is ok for you to be honest and transparent, even if it is met by those who may punish you, silence you, or somehow make you wrong for doing so. Your personal insight and awareness will help you navigate what is right for you if and when you are met with hostility and negativity and your inner compass will instinctively know what to do. It is more toxic to enable and allow toxicity than it is to stand up against it. Would you let a small child be mean, cruel and inappropriate to another child? I think we all know the answer to that, so why as adults do we tolerate and accept it from others? Occasionally we may lose a friend or a relationship over it, but we regain a renewed sense of personal power, a higher level of self-worth, self-care and self-protection. We reconstruct a reality that nurtures our inner self and essence. This is the pathway to recovery and empowerment. 

Healthy boundaries are another way we help to unify ourselves with soul and spirit.

You’re worth it!